Pardou vibe check meme8/5/2023 ![]() ![]() There is literally no story that takes on that moment. Think about if the Star Wars story started right after the end of Return of the Jedi. It's hard to make a reader care about them. All these people had heroic moments that we never saw and character building scenes, and now they're thrust on us. Starting a book with the aftermath of a giant battle is hard because you're at the resolution of another story. I think this definitely has potential, but I was thrown off by the dialogue and the lack of specifics in the setting. I think a bit more about it early, and focusing the plot more specifically around it (or personal stakes/wants for our MC) would be a good hook pg 8: the god tear is particularly interesting. Still searching for the through line for our main character, who I am genuinely curious about So many new characters and I still don't really understand the world as much as I would like. But what are the stakes? What's in it for her, personally? Why should we care about her or her democracy? Her goal is to install a democracy, check. Still looking for the conflict arc though. pg 6: She was not the only leader <- would prefer this earlier, as it gives the reader some grounding. This makes me feel like we could cut everything and start here pg 6: The battle is now officially over <- I thought it was over from line one. pg 3 is far too late to dismember the emperor (things said only in writing forums) It would keep the tension going and not bog us down in so much evil villain mustachio twirling I think all this chit chat from pages 1-2 could be condensed into a few paragraphs, wherein they just knife the emperor after her starts maniacally babbling. pg 2: She pulled out her knife <- why has it taken this long? Suggest instead giving each worldbuilding item the time it needs to shine, so we can incorporate it into our reader heads before moving on. I think we've got a lot of light worldbuilding elements all thrown in together now, with not enough time with each one to figure out what it means. pg 2: He is muting my powers <- wait what now? I'm confused. why is E arguing with him? Why not just bash his crystal face in and be done? Had a drink, then the emperor groaned and they were all, OH NOES! (and then maybe someone got bludgeoned to death?) I'd be more fun if they saw the emperor's body first, maybe kicked it a few times. The pacing was great and then it just sort of got bogged down. <- the impact of those first few awesome lines fades hard at this point. I don't think it will take a whole ton of editing to get it there, so nice work on the draft. We have our BIG goal (DEMOCRACY) so now you just need the personal stakes and sub-goals, to make this a really dynamic chapter. I didn't get any really distinct voices but that's likely because I wasn't connecting with any of the characters. ![]() The pacing is really slow, and I think pivotal plot elements need to be brought out earlier (like the god tear). I think this is a good starting sketch, and has a lot of material to work with. one following a Writing Excuses prompt and it spawned a whole book series! ![]() Padoru Padoru is a japanese onomatopoeia for the clopping noise of reindeer hooves.New work! Yay! You know, these little writing exercises can spawn some of the best stories. At one point in the game, a main character, Nero Claudius, goes around singing her own modified version of Jingle Bells which ends in the words Padoru Padoru. On December 13th, 2018, Redditor Emiya_desu explained the meme: It's a meme from the video game Fate/Extra. On December 3rd, a Fate/Grand Order thread was submitted to the /vg/ (video game generals) board on 4chan, in which several users posted comments referencing the "padoru" song. On October 26th, 2017, YouTuber Jmay uploaded an S Stands For remix of the Fate/Extra scene (shown below). The same day, YouTuber Monnekey uploaded a remix of the scene (shown below, right). On September 19th, 2017, Twitter user submitted an edited That Girl Is So Cute comic in which Nero Claudius is shown singing the Fate/Extra song (shown below, left). Within four months, the video gained over 121,000 views and 180 comments. On August 31st, 2016, YouTuber Yung Bubby uploaded a video looping the Fate/Extra scene for one hour (shown below).
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